Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
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Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
School winter break
Dec 22, 2021 –
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
beef jerky is more expensive than regular beef pound-for-pound so my salary should increase when i’m dehydrated it’s simple economics
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
If this whole twitter thing doesn’t work out, we can all get jobs writing for a company that makes mildly disturbing fortune cookies.
16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?
I don’t know.
16: Plain.
You’re going to be such a great dad.
I just bought one share of stock. I’m a finance bro now.
You think you’ve brought your kids up right and then you find the toothpaste tube squeezed in the middle.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
If you’ve ever fed goats at the farm where they clamber all over you chewing at your clothes, then you know what my kids are like when I pull out some string cheese
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I was taught to think before I act.
So when I throat punch you, know that I have thought it through and am confident about my decision.
On one hand, eating meat is bad for your body, bad for animals and bad for the earth. On the other hand, bacon.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
I was ringing this 0800 number for two days before I realised it was their opening hours.
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon