Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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Jogging
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
“felt cute might delete later lolz”
If my psychiatrist said “There’s really nothing more I can do for you”, that means I’m cured right??
The good news: work is picking up
The bad news: work is picking up
THE QUEEN IS BEING REBOOTED SOMEONE STOP THEM.
Also, those little Swiss Army knives are great when you need a tiny pair of scissors to open your Gummi Bears like some kind of crack head.
👍
The beauty industry:
For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen
For women: We’ve specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow
If you gain 4lbs in one weekend that just means you’re an overachiever.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
god grant me the serenity to close tabs i know i won’t read, the courage to keep ones open that i will, & the wisdom to know the difference
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
(me hosting a paranormal show): you look like you’ve seen a ghost!
Director: for the tenth time please stop saying that
ferris wheel technician: i think i see the problem.
me: oh good what is it.
ferris wheel technician: you put the wheel on sideways.
me: haha whoops.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.