Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
‘The Weeknd’ real name has absolutely killed me.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
My boss said I’m not allowed to nap at my desk, but apparently I’m not allowed to bring my bed into the office either. Make up your mind!
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
My boss told me to have a good day. So I went home
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
My kid is mad that his little brother asked for a sip then drank all his water and I never knew justice could taste so sweet
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
I wish I lived in a swing state. I am really good at pumping my legs
(Couples therapy)
-Listen to me, buying matching bagels isn’t going to help
*adds resume embellisher to resume*