Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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*breaks into museum*
*sprays fine mist to show alarm lasers*
*plays a sweet jam on boombox*
*krumps right into each beam*
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Apparently my boss wasn’t too happy with my performance during his trust fall.
I trusted him to fall, he hit the floor, I applauded. Not sure what the problem was, tbh.
Today’s workout. 5 x 7 min intervals. 1 hour walk. Helped demolish my neighbour’s shed. I’ve never seen anyone so angry.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
The dog seemed okay with living in a Jewish household until we scheduled his circumcision
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
Avoid unwanted pregnancies by using the “pull out” method where you pull out an acoustic guitar at a party & no one will have sex with you.
When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
*drops pizza slice on the floor
Hey can I get another slice?
*eats slice that fell on the floor then eats new slice
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
It’s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
After 10 years of appointments, I know about everything about my dental hygienist, the only thing she knows about me is “hyugh.”
Stubbed my toe leaving the hospital. Called my doctor complaining of a painful discharge.
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
It’s very sexy when a man leans over and whispers in your ear. Especially when they say things like, “I saved you some cake.”
6:There’s a monster under my bed
Me:That’s silly! There’s no such thi..OH GOD IT’S EATING MY ARM
6:SCREAMS
ME:KIDDING it only eats kids
Dear Stephen Hawking,
You’re not the boss of us.
Sincerely,
hawks
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife
LIFE HACK: eat a cookie evry time u hav a good idea. this asociates idea w/ cookie. now evry time u eat a cookie u will think of a good idea
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
*starts the dishwasher*
*immediately finds 10 cups and 3 bowls my kids left in their room*