Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
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6: that’s none of your business
4: it IS my business
6:
4: what does business mean
Her: why don’t we just hire a mechanic?
Me holding a fire extinguisher: no need. I know what I did wrong now.
Narrator: He did not know what he did wrong.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it’s like…I don’t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
How often do you think they wash the Muppets?
My mother keeps saying my boyfriend seems like someone who’d be really good with children. Except, she’s never seen him interact with children. She’s only seen him interact with me. So idk where that impression comes from…
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator
Are people who say “hard pass” aware of fiber supplements?
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
*leaving a wedding*
me: her dress was really beautiful
husband: whose?
me:
husband:
me: the…the bride’s
Back in my day when we found a Pokémon we had to beat it to death with a rotary phone
my fav colour is also hitler
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.(For Judy in Accounting)
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
A person running around with a laptop chasing an unsecured WiFi signal looks eerily like a cat chasing a laser pointer.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣