Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
![]()
You Might Also Like
Politics top tip: Gain people’s trust by telling them that everyone is lying to them.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Good thing we bought this rowing machine, there’s no room left on the treadmill to hang clothes.
Why do u wanna work at Burger King?
*imagines killing the Burger King & taking my rightful place as king*
“I haven’t taken my meds in weeks”
Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?
I knew I saw you the moment I laid eyes on you
Sat next to a cute family at church yesterday. The little girl yells, mom I smell beer! It’s not beer it’s whiskey. Read a book stupid kid.
If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I’m a bad influence on myself.
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
“Just how serious are you about keeping me as a customer?”
*slides hand across table to take a second promotional pen
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Motivational Speaker: “There’s a Lion In Everybody!!”
The Lion In Me:
![]()
Imagining a reverse Beauty & The Beast where a witch punishes a guy by turning all of his perfectly good household appliances into human beings
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.