Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
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my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
restaurant
Waiter: Your coffeeMe: Could I have a little spoon please?
Waiter: Certainly
*delicately embraces me from behind*Me: lovely
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
I used to get bullied online.
Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Her: I love you
Me: What’d I do now?
Her: Nothing. I just love you
Me: OK, what’d you do?
Her: Nothing
Me: FOR GODSAKE TELL ME WHO DID WHAT
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Breakfast in bed this morning! Good thing I fell asleep in a Waffle House booth last night.
Yes my dude
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
When you give them a gift card to a restaurant because you don’t like them enough to take to dinner.
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
I wonder if Sallys parents were like “Yeah great idea Sally. Sell seashells. On the seashore. Where there are tons of free shells. Idiot.”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
townsfolk: you should come to the festival
me: is this a normal “corny” festival or a “human sacrifice to ensure good harvest” festival?
townsfolk: which will entice you to be there?
me: oh i’m going regardless
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall