Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
You Might Also Like
Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
My kids do not talk to me like I’m their best chance of an organ donation.
Me: I don’t know what to do on my date
Friend: show her some local culture[later]
Date: hi
Me: *holds out hands* look at this yogurt
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
wtf is a larm clock?
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Stop telling me not to feed ducks bread because it kills them.
Literally all my favorite foods will kill me. Let ducks enjoy themselves.
ME: Hmm. My biggest weakness? Tough question. I guess some people say I’m delusional
UBER DRIVER: I didn’t say anything
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[being taken hostage]
*tearing up* it’s so nice to have someone take an interest
When someone ends a sentence with “af” they were hastily trying to type “A FALCON DESCENDS UPON ME” but could not make it in time.
[First day of jury duty]
*whispers to fellow juror* Psst. Hi! Sorry, first day in court haha. So when does the jester perform?
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.