Not sure if my pedicure tech asked, “you need chrome on your toes?” or “unicorn on your toes?” so I just nodded while trying to decipher it in my head, and now it’s too late. I’d be so easy to kidnap.
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Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
13: Did you know that the youngest photo of you is also the oldest photo of you?
Me: ok Socrates time for bed
It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
So is this super moon just, like, our mild-mannered regular moon that took off its glasses?
Decided not to waste $300 on obedience training after watching my dog bark at a shovel on the patio for 10 minutes.
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My 4yo is crying because she has outgrown her clothes during quarantine.
Same girl, same.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Is there an app that makes the flatline noise? Bet I could freak out some nurses.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
Santa hasn’t brought any presents since I moved out of my parents’ house. What a dick.
Whether you’re a fan of Hallowe’en or not, you have to give it credit for being the last line of defence against Christmas advancing even earlier into the year, a ragtag gang of goths holding the line against a battalion of baubled barbarians
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
PILOT: we’ll be experiencing some cabin pressure changes
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: *sits down next to me* so have you thought about going back to school
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.