Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
My ex did that thing where if I made a joke, he’d repeat it louder & try to take credit for it. So I started sharing incorrect facts with him which he’d blindly believe & repeat to others. He tried to convince his boss that tofu was made from recycled erasers. His boss was vegan.
OB-GYN: Ever consider having kids?
Me: *remembers the time I heard some man tell a little girl to smile & she told him to die* Just once.
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
I always sleep naked. I don’t care if it makes people uncomfortable, they can just switch buses.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
(Final maths exam)
Q: what are the two small horizontal parallel lines?
a) double negative
b) equals
c) eleven fell over
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
Bad news – science doesn’t want your body. Looks like your only choice is to put it up on Facebook marketplace
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
Fun Fact: The one thing that married couples always agree on is that most fights are started by their spouse.
“Shhhhh it’s sleeping”
I whisper while closing the door on my laundry pile
My dad would freak tf out!🤣💀
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
Someone’s been going round our local town stealing all the eggs, milk, sugar and vanilla essence. Police now have the culprit in custardy.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
True friendship is when you walk into someone’s house, and your WiFi connects automatically..
Trebek: This Disney movie starred Elsa & Anna.
Me: Frozen.
Trebek: In the form of a question please.
Me: Do you wanna build a snowman, Alex?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
I hate when I’m getting a back rub & he stops 3 mins in & says “my thumbs hurt.” It’s not like I ever say “My jaw hurts.” I finish the job.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe