Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.

ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.

DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?

ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.

DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.

Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag

If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice

“Wanna see videos from my vacation?”

*shows home video of me eating a raccoon under a bridge

“This is the wrong video”

“No this is right”

I’m a:
⚪man
⚪woman
🔘cowboy

On a:
⚪skateboard
⚪carpet
🔘steel horse

I:
⚪shred
⚪fly
🔘ride

I’m wanted (wanted):
🔘dead
🔘alive

Lunch. Meeting. Sure, let’s ruin both at once.

My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years

My FIL found my husband’s childhood trumpet and then asked my 5yo if he wanted it. I don’t know what I did for that man to hate me so much, but apparently it was pretty bad.

An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.

*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews

You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.

King: and you’re sure ALL the horses are helping, right?

King’s man: [watching a dozen horses smash eggshells into dust with their hooves] define helping

Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months

Reporter: so what happened?

Scientist: it’s dead.

All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.

Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn

Ninety-five percent of my new follows are beautiful Russian women, which tells me one thing. I’ve still got it!

[AA meeting]

Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist

Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?

M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…

Thursday

When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.

How the Grinch Stole Christmas (1966): A hermit living within his means is ultimately corrupted by the power of consumerism.

I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.

“What’s your favourite childhood memory?”

Not paying bills.

Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?

hacker: ready?

weapons guy: I was born ready

[25 years earlier]

doctor: it’s a boy!

midwife: where did he get nunchucks

WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?

ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough

Him: I bet you’re good in bed.

Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!

Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.