Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
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All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Every time I get in an Uber, I point and shout: “Follow that car!” like I’m in a movie. The drivers never think it’s funny and my Uber rating is 1.7 but that’s showbiz baby.
We put a man on the moon in 1969, and if you elect me to be your president, I promise that we will not stop until every man is on the moon.
We wanted a small, tasteful wedding. No friends, no family, no bride. Just me, sitting alone, ordering Uber Eats
Just left the polling place and they’re…clapping? They’re saying I was the best voter and I was so easy to work with and listened to the instructions so well and I made all the correct choices and no ones ever done it as well as me before. The poll worker lady is crying
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Impress your date by eating your mashed potatoes with both hands.
Hate it when I get carried away with emotions.
Lost a who-blinks-1st competition with a box of donuts & had to eat em all in a fit of rage
I work at Home Depot.
White guy: There is a man selling tamales out of the trunk of his car in the parking lot and disturbing costumers
Me: Thank you for that information
Me to tamale guy: Are you the guy selling tamales?
Tamale guy: yes
Me: I’ll take three
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I love you, but you’re not stepping foot into my home with even a speck of glitter.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
I dont know how to break this to my kids, but I think we should see other families.
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
Do a little dance… Drink a lot of rum… Fall down tonight…
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
What’s the name of the phobia for a fear of opening your mailbox because there might be a wedding invitation inside?
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: There aren’t enough hours in the day
Also me: Spends 15 minutes scrolling a comment section and taking a quiz to find out what kind of cheese I am