Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
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me: [explaining the scene in bone tomahawk where they split a guy in half]
therapist: I doubt your mailman wants to do that to you
Hey honey, wanna role play?
I’ll be Dexter.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
Yes, your mother loves you. Mothers are notoriously poor judges of character.
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Do you need to go peepee?
-No
Are you sure?
-Yes
How bout you try?
-No
Ook, goodnight*as soon as I relax*
-MOM HELP I’M PEEPING MY PANTS!
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
If you find what your other half shows you on their phone funny and they find what you show them on your phone funny, it’s an indication that you’re not married.
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
“I want to request the next book in this series.”
“Sorry, it looks like that title isn’t coming out until sometime next year.”
“So are you saying you can’t request it?”
“Not yet, no.”
“See, this is why I hate libraries.”
“No, this is why you hate linear time.”
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
[ordering cake over phone]
“and what would you like the cake to say?”
[covers phone to ask wife]
“do we want a talking cake?”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
Breaking the little-known 11th Commandment – thou shalt not covet thy neighbours baguette. Exodus 20:17.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.