Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
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me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?
[points at crying baby]
I used to be just like you, and no, it doesn’t get better.
Mushrooms are about 75 years away from inventing the computer but for now, bon Appetit
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
There should be a socially acceptable way to say, “I’m not sure what to say to that. Can you please say something different?”.
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
They say revenge is a dish best served cold so I served cold pizza with pineapple
When I find myself in times of trouble
Tinnitus it comes to me
Speaking words of wisdom,
“Eeeeeeeeeeee”
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
When you’re 8 and show up in an ugly rubber witch mask to trick or treat with your friends and they’re all dressed up as pretty princesses.
That’s me in a nutshell.
Me: they’re called in-laws because the law still applies if you do something to them right
Guy on subway: what
Me: what
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
If we’re together and you lose track of me, just follow the line of croissant crumbs right on back.
And you may be thinking, “But Katie, you weren’t even eating a croissant when I lost you…”
Trust me.
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
What stage of marriage is it when you’re uncomfortable because they’re being nice to you?
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Cucumber is 95% water and 100% not donut.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
I fixed it. For me
