Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.

She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂

Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.

What do you mean the band goes on at 9pm? That’s the middle of the night.

One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.

90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there

The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.

Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by

When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days

date: So what do you do?
me: *pulls out stuffed fox* I’m a taxidermist
date: Oh wow
fox: and a ventriloquist

Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group

Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.

Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?

E1: Lol, “amusement park.”

Panda bears are proof that it’s okay to be kind of an idiot as long as you’re super adorable

the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit

PR MANAGER: It’s bad, boss. The picketers are getting a lot of support.

OUTSIDE:
🎵 Oompa Loompa, Doopity Doo!
A livable wage is the least you can do!
Oompa Loompa, Doopity Dow!
When do we want it? We want it now!🎵

WILLY WONKA: Ugh, why did I get them vocal training?

[at a restaurant]

me: do you have a box I can put this in

waiter: the… the child?

Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger

A friend who’s a former British military officer told me that when he was training soldiers in jungle warfare they were taught that if they got lost in the jungle, the first thing they should do was to brew a cup of tea and think about what to do next.

The weather has been a bit too “am I being cremated” for my liking

Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school

Pinocchio: WTF, dude?

[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE

I wonder if babies know that we are more terrified of them than they are of us

[tearing off our clothes]

Her: I want you. Take off your shoes.

*kicks flip-flop through her TV*

I may or may not have a joke about Schrodinger’s cat.

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese

Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.

The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.