Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m THIS MANY drunk!!

*holds up waffle*

When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.

Buying houses is mental

Buy a car or a bag of chips, the price is defined

Buy a house, you have to guess how much the owner wants

Not allowed to speak to the owner

Instead you have to go via a 19 year old, in a Mini, who doesn’t live there and wants you to pay over the odds

[after bowling]

Me: that was fun

Date: you whispered “bowling” every time you rolled the ball

Me: it helps me aim

[later in bed]

Me: *whispering* bo-

Her: -no

i dont want to consume AI art for the same reason i dont call up my boys every sunday to watch a conveyor belt quickly and efficiently deliver a football to an endzone

I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.

“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*

[lying in bed after sex]

Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark

I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.

You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.

*goes to Walgreens for memory pill supplements*

*forgets what they’re called*

CW: what did you do to your hair today?

Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.

You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.

My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?

Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

Clark Kent “I have a confession”

Lois Lane “what is it?”

*Clark removes his glasses*

Lois “Is it a bird?”

Clark “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU”

[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.

I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.

the best advice i ever received was from george costanza when he said that if you look annoyed people think you’re busy

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

[Donald Duck opens gift]
Daisy: It’s pants. Try them on!
Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN

Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half

Me: I’ll do it

Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily

Me: *crying* He’s good

Wife: What

On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.

“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”

Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??

Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.

If I had a time machine I’d probably go back and kill Hitler but I’d definitely stop on the way to object at my wedding.

NYPD has found suspect’s jacket in Central Park, checked pockets for clues only to pull out a comically unending string of colorful handkerchiefs

who else gets a little disappointed when the emergency broadcast test isn’t an actual emergency? it’s like, hurry up already aliens

Do I speak Spanish?

Oui!

My wife said that we need to have a talk after my 2 year old goes down for a nap so I filled her sippy cup with Red Bull.