Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways

I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.

-me canceling my Dr appt

[runs inside of a gas station]

“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”

*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game

Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?

[After Sex]

Him: how was it for you?

Shakira’s hips: well…

Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.

Jesus and Mary will occasionally appear on toast, or pancake, or waffles. Always breakfast foods. Why? Because it’s the most important meal.

I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash

My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.

I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.

Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich

Dog: *just lookin at me*

Me: go lay down

Dog: ok.

Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*

Me: *wincing* thank you

Cat: damn right thank you

She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.

Dietest Coke

good morning

daniel radcliffes agent: hello harry potter

daniel radcliffe: hello

agent: would you like to be in a movie

daniel radcliffe: is it very strange

agent: yes

daniel radcliffe: then yes

agent: when can you get here

daniel radcliffe: i’m in your yard climbing trees as we speak

I’m sorry that you guys asked for this but the answer is yes, you would.

don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit

Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.

I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume

I’ve never dated two people at the same time, but I have had UPS and Amazon show up on the same day.

My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.

My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”

ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.

RECIPE SITE: Sure!

ME: Thank you.

RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—

ME: *Whispers* No.

RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.

Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?

Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.

Me: What do you mean just pick something??

Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

“Let there be me.” God, just before he created himself out of nothing.

A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.

me as a child: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me as an adult: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

me on my death bed: I want dinosaur chicken nuggets

Lmao 🤣

Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!

Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!