Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What do we want?
FLEXIBLE WORK SCHEDULES THAT ACCOMMODATE FAMILY LIFE!
When do we want it?
[Unintelligible yelling of different dates]

Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”

*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?

My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.

Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.

I vacuumed up a huge spiderweb & then heard a thump in the workout room.

The spiders are lifting weights before they attack me aren’t they?

Watching two cows do naughty things to each other in a bush. They been reading the Farmer Sutra lol

Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.

Scans first item.

Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”

I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.

How to start a diet:

1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1

Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly

Me: oh God ok

Robber: Where’s the safe?

Me: Over there

Robber: Where’s the key?

Me: In that drawer

Robber: What day is it?

Me: oh no

bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL

me: [exists]

bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY

There’s been a lot of false alarms at the coal mine today. Maybe we should get a canary instead of a possum

*puts bread in toaster* hmm something strange about the toaster today

Duck(from in toaster): no there isnt

I love how every website has a “[✔️] Keep me signed in on this computer” button and it’s just straight up bullshit lol

I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.

Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone

workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them

I’m just a girl, standing at the refrigerator, flipping a Kraft single over and over looking for where the wrapper starts.

I recently took a pole and found that 100% of the people were angry when the tent collapsed.

I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”

[Dollar Store Interview]
“What are your qualifications?”

[Slides over a dollar]
“Cashier job is yours”

[Slides $2]
“Welcome to Management”

Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.

I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.

And then God said, “Let there be Black Friday.” and he saw that it was a terrible idea but it was too late cuz people were already in line.

my sister is about to have a baby and my brother showed up to the hospital in a suit because “first impressions matter”

Axl Rose: Where do we go?

Me: Left

Axl: Where do we go now?

Me: Straight.

Axl: Oh, where do we go now?

Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!

i can promise you i will never love anyone enough to ride a tandem bike with them