Not sure if whoever designed parking garages is an architectural genius or sadist
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me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
You know you’re getting old when you’re entering your birth year online and you need to spin that thing like you’re on wheel of fortune.
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Goldfish 1: People are dumb. They actually think our memories only last for 3 seconds.
Goldfish 2: That is absolutely ridiculous.
Goldfish 1: What is absolutely ridiculous?
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
Of course I’m gonna miss my husband when he goes away for the weekend in 45 hours 23 minutes and….*checks watch*….27 seconds
My main takeaway from The Walking Dead is that you can eat the eight-year-old canned food that’s in the back of the pantry.
5: Daddy whatcha doin’?
Me: Cleaning my shot gun
5:Why?
Me: Because one day a boy will like you
5:You mean like Ben?*racks the chamber*
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
Me: my imposter syndrome is pretty bad. I feel like I don’t deserve to be here, I’m not good enough
Satan: what
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Guy who’s never heard of drugs before: “Take an edible”? Dude, just say you ate some food. Sheesh
Bunch of people on here saying it’s fine to slap your kids if they can’t be reasoned with verbally. Buddy if that’s the standard I have bad news for many of you
imagine a frog. good. now imagine a frog wearing a party hat and playin a lil tambourine. even better
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
But that’s none of my business
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
*goes to wedding*
*gives the couple 2 coupons for a free Big Mac as their wedding gift*
*walks away feeling really good about this decision*
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
I just realized my 5-year-old has been stressed because he thought that a “trim around the ears” meant that we were going to take him upstairs and cut his ears off.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
I don’t need TV dramas, I just need Amazon product reviews
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.