Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Maybe the caveman who discovered fire was wearing corduroys and running late for a meeting.

David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?

Me: what do you want?

13: what do we have?

Me: the same things we always have

13: like what tho

The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.

DIE HARD (1988)

Rated R, 2 hrs. 12 min.

The dead guy from The Sixth Sense throws Snape out of a window. Merry Christmas!

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

Nobody:

Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this

The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.

He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan

It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.

what if your teeth were naturally flaccid and got hard when you got hungry

SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS

I

T
H
I
N
K

W
E

S
H
O
U
L
D

R
U
I
N

P
E
O
P
L
E
S

T
I
M
E
L
I
N
E

B
Y

T
W
E
E
T
I
N
G

L
I
K
E

T
H
I
S

A
L
L

D
A
Y
.
.
.
.
.

[driving] Goddamn pedestrians

[walking] Goddamn drivers

[both] Goddamn cyclists

Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.

Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

“I wasn’t born yesterday.”

-hilarious talking baby

Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.

Dentist: You can rinse now.

Every spider has the same powers as Spiderman, yet none of them choose to be superheroes. This is everything you need to know about spiders.

*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*

Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.

Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.

Bartender: So…the usual?

[Calling the police]

“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”

“Stay calm.”

“Yes, that’s him!”

Marked safe from having the gene that causes people to maniacally clean their house when they find out that someone is coming over to visit. I cannot say the same is true for my wife.

Don’t listen to the haters, all mushrooms are edible.

Some only once.

[city marathon]

ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?

RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS

ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?