Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i wish they named cookies something different because every time a website asks me to accept cookies, and i decline, a little part of my heart is like, but i love cookies, just not your kind

On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂

Went to the store without my dentures because what are the odds Scarlett Johansson and I would be reaching for the same box of fish sticks?

By age 30 you should have:

$3 in savings
$5,000 in credit card debt
Existential dread
A favorite spoon
One half-dead plant you feel really bad about because your mom keeps asking for grandkids but you’re not ready and you thought this basil plant would be a good place to start

😆

I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.

I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face

Job interview…

HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.

pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”

Fun prank: steal a $2 beer. Get caught. Don’t pay the $275 fine. Go to jail for 60 days. The state will spend $3,500 jailing you LOL

my dream is being pitted against the world’s greatest AI in a writing contest and crafting a story that’s so beautiful that I make the computer cry…

My blood type is coffee.

I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks

I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.

I just want to turn off a light …

2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.

You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.

Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.

give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.

Girls have Galentine’s day but I just gave my buddy a 12 pack of beer and called it a dozen broses.

WARNING: My kids were in the water all day yesterday.

None of them got out for a bathroom break.

Until further notice, Lake Michigan is CLOSED.

[police interrogation]

COP 1: Just confess and we’ll be lenient

ME: What is this, “Good Cop”, “Several Raccoons In A Human Suit Cop”?

COP 1: What?

COP 2: OH GOD HE’S ONTO US

COP 2: *explodes into like a half dozen raccoons and scatters across the police department*

“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”

“is there a difference?”

“na”

Just checked weather. If anyone is curious what’s in my wardrobe, find me tomorrow. I will be wearing every article of clothing I own.

<gets pulled over>

Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?

Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.

If I had a dollar for everytime someone called me fat, I’d probably just spend it on more bacon.

[On phone with circus]

Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”

Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”

Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”

Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”

Hannibal: *hangs up

Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.

Oh no I just accidentally did everything wrong all my life

This Election is the most math I’ve done in a long time.

Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?

Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.