Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
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The 1st rule of idiom club is loose lips sink ships. The 2nd rule is don’t let the cat out of the bag. Last but not least, the 3rd rule.
are you the girl who types everything said in court?
“yes”
I’m sorry
*turns to prosecutor and answers his question with dolphin noises*
I鈥檓 digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
Comedian: My teardrop tattoos are to indicate how many times I’ve killed on stage.
Guy: I don’t see any teardrop tattoos.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she鈥檚 texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
When your lack of sheepdog experience is cruelly exposed on your first day.
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[interrogation]
“Where were u on the night of the 3rd?”
Stabbing a homeless man.
“Louder for the tape?”
Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They鈥檙e indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
[In Bar]
Friend: Your fly is down
Me: I know, he’s going through a messy divorce
*glances to fly passed out among empty beer bottles*
If you had to decide between being fat and rich or poor and skinny, what bridge would you sleep under?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
i’ve had this nightmare before 馃槺
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She鈥檚 my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you鈥檙e good.
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
TEACHER: and James, what does your daddy do?
JAMES: he鈥檚 a-
ME, still undercover: A DRUG DEALER I鈥檓 a drug dealer
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
Her: 鈥o are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely鈥re you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I鈥檒l be the thimble.
ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*