Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
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“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
Do I want the coronavirus? No. Would I exploit the shit out of it with a daily vlog series titled “Going Viral” were I to catch it? The answer may (not) surprise you.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Girlfriend: *whispering* Have you ever thought of getting rid of that mole?
Me: He may be blind, but he’s not deaf
The only time I’m happy that I’m short, is when I’m laying down in the bath and my whole body is covered
I don’t always drop things when looking in the fridge, but when I do, it’s a Costco size box of blueberries
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
My husband’s favorite snack while we watch tv is whatever makes the most noise, apparently.
Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
I have to eat my last meal of the day earlier and earlier as time goes by or I won’t be able to sleep at night
I had supper at 10:30 this morning today
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“Your tattoos will look dumb when you’re older” buddy, I look dumb right now. My tattoos have a lot of catching up to do
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I remember when yoga was called Twister.
wife: when my husband pees it sounds like a horse
doctor: he probably has a wide ureth-
*loud whinnying coming from the bathroom*
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
I made a belt made out of old watches. It was a waist of time
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
There should be a Jaws sequel where the shark finally gets arrested for his crimes and goes to jail.