Not sure it counts as gaslighting, but I’ve spent the past 40 years pronouncing “Orangutan” as “Orangutang” and I’m holding our entire education system responsible.
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Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
He may be a red flag factory but the building is nice.
Got an annoying neighbour? Leave a note on their car: “Sorry about the damage, but I’ve patched it up so you probably can’t even see it.”
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Ah yes time to come home and have a nice nutritious meal called “37 crackers”
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
The Lion King is my favourite film outlining why you shouldn’t trust your uncle
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
[First date]
Me: So what do you do?
Him: I’m an astronomer.
Me: [trying to impress] *moons him*
Me: Those shoes are fresh!
12: Mom. No.
Me: Don’t be whack.
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
My favorite thing to say to old people is, “When I was your age I didn’t believe in reincarnation either”.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
Triceratops seeks Tricerabottom
-Jurassic period Grindr
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.