Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Not to be a Scrooge, but if you play or even hum along with Christmas music before December 10, you should be sent to a concentration camp.

The chickens in my neighbor’s coop collectively scuttle away from me. They know. They know what I’ve done.

Marriage 30s: He doesn’t know I burp or fart yet.

Marriage 40s: You should probably sleep in the other room because I had Mexican food for lunch.

Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS

Emergency training complete

All summer long: Kids are healthy.

5 minutes into the 1st day of school: Everyone has Ebola

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.

I’m not petty, but when someone is tailgating me I spray my windshield washer fluid and the payoff is seeing them turning on their wipers.

Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.

[after Humpty Dumpty’s great fall]

King’s Men: all the King’s men are here

Humpty Dumpty: and a doctor, right?

King’s Men: also, all the King’s horses

Humpty Dumpty: AND A DOCTOR?? RIGHT???

During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.

Learning minion language on Duolingo while my girl friend prepares to host thanksgiving for 48 people

If you really wanna honor the spirit of 2017, instead of kissing someone at midnight, push them off a bridge

ChatGPT cannot be stopped.

Partner: I’m breaking up with you

Me: Oh why?

Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird

Me: Oh. I see. OK

4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away

5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*

5:10AM: *alarm goes off*

I didn’t know they can drive…

Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?

I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.

*overheard in women’s bathroom*

I think there’s a guy in here.

if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up

Original plans for Mt Rushmore had the mouths carved open so they would scream out bats at the setting sun then eat them again at dawn.

Her: so, are you seeing anyone?

Me: nope, it’s just the voices.

I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”

ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it

– First day of College
– Dorm meeting

Dorm monitor: Any questions guys?

Me: *from the back* WHICH DRAWER IS FOR OUR BLANKIES??

we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’

My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business

There was no Internet when I was a kid. If you wanted to talk to a pervert, you had to go find one.

So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.