Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
like swimming in quick dry cement
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
[my first day as a mechanic]
customer: i need an oil change
me: ma’am, i’m pretty sure it’s actually your car that needs an oil change
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Normalise screaming “404 ERROR” and sprinting out the room during conversations you want to end
ME: I can’t find my sandals
WIFE: did you look everywhere?
ME: yes
WIFE: even down
ME: yes even dow—I did not put those on
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
therapist: you need to enjoy the little things
me: like ants
therapist: not exactly
me: [nodding] baby ants
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
A Hallmark movie where the heroine is such a Karen that she ruins Christmas, the adorable son of the widower tells her to go back to her law firm in the city, and ends with the whole town chasing her with pitchforks.
ok but what if they had media literacy
(this was funnier in my head)
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
Bands are always like “here’s another song” yeah no shit that’s pretty much all you do
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
Moan louder every time the cashier scans one of your items.
