Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
If you’re being pursued by an assailant on a space hopper, a tack is the best form of defence.
Hotline for families: 407-246-4357 #Orlando
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
Why do I never crave carrots or broccoli at midnight? Why is it always some unhealthy shit like Taco Bell or pizza?
it’s been 10 years since the rumour came out…
Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.
Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.
overheard from a 2nd grade zoom today
Teacher: Ok now, what’s at the end of life
7 y/o: that’s a…. I mean, that’s a big… it’s complicated…
Teacher: I mean the word “life”
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Remember kids, every weekend can be a three day weekend if you’re still too drunk from Thursday! 🍻
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
Fries should be offered more often like yes your mortgage is approved would you like fries with that?
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
Boss: I expect total transparency from my staff
Trevor: That’s not always practic—
John the Jellyfish: NO PROBLEM BOSS
Canned, not stirred.
[lights pickle]
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I’ve decided to stop wearing a very comfortable maternity romper I love. I figure it’s finally time, now that I’m 84 months postpartum.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Every mealtime I put a table mat under 9’s plate to catch the crumbs so they don’t go on the floor and at the end of every mealtime he sweeps the crumbs off the mat onto the floor. I think he’s faulty and would like a refund
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Her: Oh, you brought me flowers!
Me: Yes, one of the many benefits of living next door to a graveyard…
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
Please follow the instructions
1) Read all instructions
2) Sacrifice a goat
3) Cut off your fingers
4) Eat glass5) Only do number one
Me: I’m on a totally liquid diet
Friend: slim fast?
Me: wine
