Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?
knowledge is knowing the difference between ‘poisonous’ and ‘venomous’
wisdom is not arguing with your partner about it when they’ve been bitten by a snake
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
“and this blood shall be called A+”
all the other blood types: “k wow we’re like right here”
[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember when he parked.
My superhero name is Typoman. I am the writer of wrongs.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together, Hermoine went alone and got attacked by a troll.
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
[working in garage]
“Hand me a screwdriver, son”
A flat one?
“No”
[mixes vodka and Orange Crush] Here ya go
[bursts in carrying 50 inch TV]
me: honey look, this was on sale for $279!
wife: oooooooohhhhhhh
midwife: that’s it keep pushing
Autocorrect always tries to correct JFC to KFC. Because who doesn’t naturally scream about fried chicken, when being somewhat flabbergasted or expressive in posts?
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I’m best man at my buddy’s second wedding… Is it appropriate to open my dinner speech with
“Welcome back everyone”
please stop calling 911 when you see me dancing. i’m fine!
