Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
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Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
Lately I’ve been getting in touch with my inner self.
I really need to switch to a better brand of toilet paper.
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
“can you explain this gap in your employment history”
yah i was a toddler
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms
Female Coworker: I just got this implant in my arm. It’s for birth control.
Me: I didn’t even know an arm could get pregnant.
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
I got in trouble for taking pictures in a museum. They caught me with four paintings under my coat.
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
*goes down on one knee*
One Knee: I have a girlfriend
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
I’m 43 years old, and 1995 was 4 years ago, but 2003 was somehow 30.
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
It’s been 5 years since they banned me from Yelp and I’m still mad about it. I did nothing wrong.
*answers every how are you with, “I don’t know, I don’t speak to me anymore.”
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.