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I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”


If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.


[First day as a teacher]

Me: *practicing in the mirror* You’ve got this, you’re gonna do great.


Student: May I use the restroom?

Me: *laughing* I DON’T KNOW, MAY YO- oh dammit


I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle


So far at work I’ve straightened a paper clip then tried bending it back to its original shape. Employee of the month right here.


Eight glasses of water a day? Nope. I do a minimum of sixteen. Keeps you looking young. Take me for example. I was born in 1926.


Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips


Millions of people are killed every year because they didn’t check behind the shower curtain first.

Be smart.

Peep before you poop.


No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.