I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
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I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
Sharon I have some bad news
💻🤡
I love you and all but I’d push you into oncoming traffic for a large pizza and a Twix.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
I don’t care what anyone says, “catlike indifference” is a compliment.
My new way of torturing someone is the pay a giraffe to show up outside and knock their window at 3 am and no one will ever believe them that a giraffe is stalking them. Sure, Tim. A giraffe was outside your house in the middle of Ohio. That’s totally believable🙄
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
Remember before Ebola, when we just had bola? Technology changes everything.
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Tried a smile yesterday and my white blood cells attacked it.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
For once in my life, I’d just want to feel wanted; even if it means robbing a bank.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
A cashier was giving me my change and said “have a good…” then looked at my face and said “…sleep.” This seriously just happened
Me: Whatcha got there? Oh, I see the garbage pail kids are making a comeback for Christmas this year.
Neighbor: This is my nephew.
me *brings toddler his popsicle* What do you say?
toddler: Finally
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
me: do that thing i like
him: stops blocking the kitchen drawer i need to get into
I either need to win the lottery or get bitten by a vampire and gain the power of the night. But preferably the lottery.