Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
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a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
WAP when I’m involved is likely to be Waffles and Pancakes
Staying off twitter is harder than eating water with chopsticks.
Mind bending shirt from Baltimore Comic Con. My brain hurts.
My oldest played with BPA free toys that I sterilized constantly. My youngest is playing with a metal coat hanger and a AA battery.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Anyone else get annoyed when a TV show says something like “It weighs 5 kilos – that’s equivalent to five bags of sugar”? Well yes, as long as each bag weighs a kilo, then five of them will weigh 5kg. Who exactly is this helping?
The inventor of Chapstick died today. Unfortunately his body was lost while being transferred to the morgue.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
i am not one 22-year-old, i am actually two 11-year-olds stacked on top of each other wearing a trench coat
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
It’s Monday, but at what cost?
“Do not touch” must be one of the most terrifying things to read in braille
ME: I’d like to return this sports bra.
CASHIER: Why?
ME: I wore it and I’m still bad at sports.
CASHIER: It’s just clothing. You train to be good at sports.
ME: *Sees training bra* Jackpot.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
Dear animals who hide from humans, I get it.
Morning all.
Diabetes: you’re my type.
Me: you’re my type 2
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
crazy how many people don’t know they’re in a polyamorous relationship.
I just wanna be rich enough to not have to run onstage after concerts to get my bra back