Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
ME: *tying hotdogs together*
Wife: I have the bologna shurikens cut out. We playing meat ninjas or not?
Me: CALM DOWN! THE NUNCHUCKS ARE ALMOST READY!
The Macarena was just a tutorial on how to fold a sweater.
You wouldn’t know her. She goes to a different Internet
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
Me, mouthful of cicadas: WHAT?!
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
“your password is too weak” just wait until you see my impulse control
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
[spider’s junk email folder]
-TURN YOUR WEBS INTO $$$$
-HOT SPIDERS ON YOUR CEILING WANT TO MEET YOU
-TRY THE ULTIMATE 8 LEG DIET TODAY
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Did my cat write this
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
the famous shower scene in Psycho is crazy. she turns on the water & just let’s it hit her in the face before testing it with her hand first