Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Things books give you unrealistic expectations for:
-mysteriously inheriting from a stranger
-solving murders with zero actual training
-anything romantic ever

[party]

me: i think my gf is mad at me

friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen

me: did she look mad?

$20k in my bank account (the k is silent)

One of my biggest fears is that before I die, spiders will evolve the ability to coordinate their legs and run like horses.

8yo: Dad, can I eat on the couch?
Me: Sure, as long as you’re carefu-
8yo: I spilled my drink
Me: Of course

I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.

[Me in a horror movie]

*is not at the cabin because I have no friends*

Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.

Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.

In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.

[jungle]

Detective: I’d like to ask you some questions about a recent jewel heist.

Ring-tailed lemur: This is profiling.

My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are

On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.

Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..

“I just ate a vegetarian meal” sounds so much healthier than “I just ate two full sleeves of Oreos.”

KING: Behind one door waits a viscous tiger; behind the other, a fair lady. Now the prisoner must choose!

ME: Hey, if I open them both, will the tiger just eat the lady?

KING: That’s not… you don’t… c’mon, man.

Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.

My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂

Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”

This is now my favourite pie chart ever.

Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?

There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.

I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.

Genie: last wish

Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat

Genie: ooh, good one

🤣😈🤣

“Can’t beat fresh apple pie” she says, setting 1 down. I slam my fist into it. 3rd degree burns. “Wrong” I whisper 4 hrs later in the ER.

Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….

Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?

Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.

And none of them ever call me again.

cow: where does milk come from?
me: *laughs*
cow: *laughs*
farmer: *laughs*
milk man: *laughs*
everyone: *laughs*
cow: but no, seriously.

Stop fussing over whether the glass is half full or half empty and just marvel at the fact that I managed to produce that much discharge.

this is how life feels