Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
I love gay people. Or as I sometimes call them, “people.”
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one
Going to church you guys need anything
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
The Mayor in Jaws was right.
Imagine you traveled to the beach on the 4th of July and they’re like “Sorry ocean’s closed – there was a SHARK out there a few days ago!”
“Who made that decision?”
“Our SHERIFF who is SCARED of WATER!”
My friend went to a salon and asked them to straighten his hair. So they took out his highlights.
When a waiter doesn’t write down the order and someone in your group asks for no pickles and you know that’s going to be thing that wrecks it for everybody.
“What’s for dinner?”
Updog & chips.
“Does updog have gluten in it?”
No..wait..you’re supposed to say…
“You know I can’t have gluten Karen”
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
if your boyfriend insists he rolls everywhere because it’s ‘faster than walking’, my friend, you may be dating a gamer.
7YR OLD: daddy, what does “despacito” mean?
ME: slowly
7: ok…daddy……what……does……despacito……mean?
At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
They need an Olympic event where competitors see how long they can work a dead end job.
Go hard or stay average
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I’m going to name my son Red so he’ll grow up to be a wise sportswriter or the prison inmate who knows how to get things. Hopefully both.
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today