Not sure video Instagram is a good idea. I’ve never looked at a picture of someone’s dinner and thought, “If only I could hear this.”
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Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Me: Want me to carry you?
4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!
*tries to lift me*
4: Never mind. You’re fat.
Saw a guy this morning covered from head to toe in camouflage and sporting a fluorescent safety jacket…
You can’t have it both ways mate
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Once I tried to rescue this kitten stuck in a tree only it wasn’t a kitten it was an owl and he was, like…he was fine there.
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
On autopsy, instead of pumping my stomach to determine what I’ve eaten in the past 24 hours, a coroner need only look down my cleavage.
Guy: “Lesbians! Awesome! Can I watch?”
Me: “Errr. Sure?”
*bundles him into the car and makes him drive around for five hours while we buy some timber and succulents and choose a rescue kitten from the shelter*
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Flannel? Well plaid hipsters, well plaid.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
They irony of being hit by a Dodge.
Just got 30 orange oval stickers printed that read NOW HAMSTER FREE
I’m putting them on all the meatloaf packages in this supermarket
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Good dog. ❤️
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus