Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
It was so windy today when I was walking to the gym that I got blown into the wine store
just rolled a joint. it was my ankle.
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
KID: *finds Santa suit in my closet* See, I knew he wasn’t real.
ME: *nervously remembering shooting Santa off my roof the year before when I thought he was a burglar* Haha. Yeah.
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
I’ve never seen anything sadder than me in a black cape under the salon lights with wet hair parted incorrectly by a solid inch
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
My enemy threatened to send one armed man after me, but I’m not worried
I have two arms and should easily overpower him