Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
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“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren鈥檛 going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.
That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
My kids act like they鈥檙e afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I鈥檝e ever met.
I saw this late last night before bed and it literally haunted my dreams
Don鈥檛 give up on your dreams, if cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Apple is now sponsoring the Super Bowl halftime performance.
That means it won鈥檛 be noticeably different from last year鈥檚 and we鈥檒l have to update our TVs halfway through.
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you鈥檙e still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn鈥檛 get the package 馃槖
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
[Stares deeply into date’s eyes before going to the bathroom]
“I’ve counted these fries.”
Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
Detective: Do you have an alibi for the night of the murder?
Me: Yes, here are some store receipts proving where I was.
Detective: These are receipts for duct tape, rope, and a shovel.
Me: Oops. Wrong receipts.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Registering the death of my Uncle Arthur at the coroners office and when asked for the deceased’s name, I replied “A. Smith” The coroner then asked ” A for?”, to which I replied “Apple”. I”ve never lived it down and my wife constantly brings it up over 30 years later.
Don鈥檛 compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
[first day as a flight attendant]
Pilot: tell them we鈥檙e descending
Me: THE PLANE IS GOING DOWN
Pilot: wtf take it back they鈥檒l panic
Me: WE ARE STAYING UP HERE FOREVER
can u believe that 6 months ago we just let random people breathe on us