Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
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When god closes a door my 10yr old opens 15 kitchen cupboards and walks away.
Does anybody know how many toddlers you have to bring to ‘Toys For Tots’ before you’re eligible for an Xbox?
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
7yo son: May I have some water?
Me: What are the magic words?
7yo son: I can get it myself.
Me: There you go.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
Took my daughter to get preschool shots today. I know she’s a bit young for alcohol, but we had to celebrate this new chapter in her life.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
me: can I try
satan: no
me: why not
satan pausing xbox: well it wouldn’t be hell then would it
the way she just yells ‘STOP IT!’ in a drive by telling off to the two riding goats as she runs past on her way to rescue the other one – I can’t breathe
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
date: i think i’ve been here before
me: really? this is my first fancy french restaurant
date: i’m definitely having deja vu
me: nice [hands menus back to waiter] make that 2 deja vus please
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Him: what does a polar bear weigh?
Me: I don’t know
Him: enough to break the ice, my name’s John.
Me: so’s mine.
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.