Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

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soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk


My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.


Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show


Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.


Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks


*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*


We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played


Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.


ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*


Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning