The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
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Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Taking out my contact lenses after eating Buffalo wings will always make me dance.
My super innocent daughter talked me into playing Luigi’s Mansion and the goal is to vacuum up ghosts. So I’m giving it my all and she yells at me “yes dad suck that guy!” I’m dead, y’all
Bow Wow’s full name is actually Boward Woward
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Rather alarming headline…
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
I hate when ppl put group pics on tinder like how am I supposed to know which one’s Bret
it’s funny they call them “unidentified flying objects”. I could identify them right away. those are ufos
[tv announcer] Are you bloated? Tired? Unable to enjoy the activities you once loved?
[me with mouthful of chips] YEAH
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
Don’t give your heart to someone unless you’re 100% certain that you’re dead.
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
Her: I can’t eat all that.
Me: … That’s a blueberry.
Friend: “Any plans this weekend?”
Me: “I’m going to Alcoholics Unanimous.”
Friend: “I think you mean ‘Anonymous’.”
Me: “Nope.”
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
[at restaurant]
Gorgeous hostess: Happy Valentine’s Day! How many?
Me: Just one, thanks.
Wife (clears throat): Two.
A family friend recently died, and it got me thinking. Today I’m going to collect all the money people owe me before it’s too late.
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant