@Home_Halfway

Not sure what to do with your hands while on a date? Carry two swords. Next question

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@seanforhire

soup is a safe food to eat in the shower it’s already wet so there’s basically no risk

@TitansHomer

My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.

@squirrel74wkgn

Her: Where do you work?

Me (trying to get laid): I’m a Doctor…

Her: *starts choking on food*

Me: …on a TV show

@whisperedjoy

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

@Donna_McCoy

Reasons to evacuate before a hurricane:

5. Winds

4. Flooding

3. Power outages

2. No pizza delivery

1. Wet socks

@junejuly12

*goes to Costco to stock up*

*comes home with all the Doritos*

@Steve_hamiltin

We gave you Nickelback and Justin Bieber. You responded with the Kardashians and Honey Boo Boo. Well played America, well played

@Zombie_Kitv2

Startled by the sound of my own washing machine, yet convinced I’d be a badass in any apocalypse.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: where’s your brother?

OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?

ME: *sprints to the basement*

@DanLaMorte

Kids here’s a tip. Next Christmas leave Santa marijuana cookies and watch how happy your parents magically become the next morning