Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
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Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
[On a walk with my dad aka My Parents: A Love Story]
Dad shouting into his phone:
YES I TOOK THE GARBAGE OUT COMMA OUT WALKING NOW COMMA LOVE YOU EXCLAMATION POINT
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
I made a risotto 4 years ago and the kids refused to touch it. In a rare moment of genius I said its not a risotto it’s “cheesy rice stew” which they liked the sound of and devoured it. Still make it to this day and I can’t wait until the day they figure out they’ve been duped.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
Cicadas will full on dominate a conversation and then leave you on read for 17 years.
should i airdrop this to the person in the voting booth next to me
omfg i HATE when kids scream in public… u have no real problems. it should be me screaming. ME
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Been there, done that.
– Australia when America is getting up on Monday morning
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I bought some night vision goggles so I can eat lasagna in bed at night without waking up my wife.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
I just gave my cat his lunch and insulin. He is now happily digesting and insulating.
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m the picture of health, but not a very flattering picture. I’m the passport photo of health.
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
olympic swim laps would get faster if they held swimming during winter olympics