Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: Are you going to be part of the problem or part of the solu-
Me: Oh problem, definitely
Them: That wasn’t…it was a rhetorica
–
Me: I have some ideas on how to make the problem even funnier than it is

No, please, let me give up my subway seat to your 6-year-old child who must be bone-tired from a life consisting mostly of playing & napping

Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you

“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs

My boss accused me of sticking my finger in his birthday cake in the break room fridge.

He’s completely wrong. It wasn’t my finger.

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?

me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah

I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.

You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.

They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years

[During sex]

Me: What did you mean the other day when you said I have bad timing?

What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency

ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs

HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan

ME: ok we have two problems

BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?

My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.

My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple

My fingers: so we did a thing

People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.

…a dentist on a toothpaste commercial with stethoscope around neck…, if my dentist started to listen to my heart I would freak out.

Today I threw away an empty Amazon box that’s been sitting on the floor for two weeks, so that means tomorrow I’ll have a need for that box.

It’s OK, The Phantom Menace. I also came out in 1999 and am a bit disappointing

I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now

What has 15 actors, 4 settings, 2 writers and 1 plot line?
632 Hallmark Christmas movies.

HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day

COVID-19: Hold my beer

“Lunchables” is a good name because it doesn’t make any grandiose claims: “This is able to be eaten as lunch.”

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭

*weird horror movie sounds*

me: it’s okay, it was just the cat

cat: ah hell nah

me: what?

demon: meow?

[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”

COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it

wife: its ruining date night
me: its ruining date night because you’re letting it ruin date night
hitchhiker: just drop me off on the corner