Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Working at any office is like “Ok we’re transitioning to Salarya, but payroll is still in Bullfrog—did you see my Noosecock post? Submit your timecard on Fireplayce then jizz me on Smackdog . Do NOT upload to Crackerz without Yammer approval

I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.

Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

Either I stood up too quickly or this quart of vodka was deliciouser than I thought.

I already tried new things thanks.

My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.

If you call pooping ‘taking a dumpling’ it’s too cute for people to care where you did it

computer simulation of what the punisher skull looked like when alive

Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History

Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day

Me: ok, how many at night?

Just once, I’d like to see a cactus that isn’t flexing.

They only arrested Justin Bieber cause he’s black.

I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.

“I’ll NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”

-my phone

1: Can I do the cancan?

2: You mean may, not can

1: Can I do the canmay?

2: No, the first can

1: Can I do the maycan?

2: No. May I do the cancan

1: No

Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,

ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?

MacGyver finally realized that he just might be overthinking things a bit.

Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao

Me: what stopped you

eye doctor: please read the top line

me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad

eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading

My mom’s favorite internet game is “Log me into the Facebook. Is this the Facebook? Is that your brother? Why is he drinking upside down?”

Hello, my name is Graeme, I have a PhD in computing, and I am a senior accessibility consultant, but when I want to type “é” on a Windows laptop I go to Beyoncé’s Wikipedia page and copy/paste the letter from there.

[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.

[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME

This pandemic reminds me of an old TV series that should have ended years ago but the network still gave it a renewal.

{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.

Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet

Dear People who like me,

I appreciate every single two of you.

Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.