Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
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My children wanted to name our 2 guinea pigs Guinea and Piggie, so it is a certainty I will have future grandchildren named Girl and Boy.
What about a haunted doll that reminds you to take your birth control
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
[movie theater concessions]
Me: ok kiddos we can get popcorn or we can pay for your college.
Kids: POPCORN!
Wife: seriously!?!
Me: [shakes head sadly] they’ve made their choice.
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
My ability to attract girls has increased exponentially since I started my new hobby ‘crying whilst pushing round an empty stroller’
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Me: (Laughing at something funny on my phone)
Husband: What’s so funny, can I see?
Me: Of course. One sec
(Resets phone to factory settings)
Me: Here you go
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
I hate when our cat runs into the room, hisses at an empty chair then runs back out and I end up in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
SPLOOT
If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Me: sorry I get a little twitchy when people touch my feet
Podiatrist: *bleeding profusely from the nose* I see that
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Guy named Jack starts on Thursday and I’ve never been more excited to put someone’s days off on the board at work.
[1st date]
Me: I don’t mind admitting I find these fancy menus confusing. What does that say?
Her: chicken
Me: no, after that
Her: nuggets
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
When a relative asks me what I’m doing with my life, I tell more lies than a guy at a computer whose wife just asked him what he’s doing.
Save money by accidentally forgetting your wallet at home. Follow me for more financial tips and tricks.
I always ask Subway workers if THEY want double meat, then wink.
Then I get kicked out.
Took three Ambiens and tried to call God on the microwave
you can’t prove that threatening a toilet doesn’t work
The world needs a more violent way to give people clothing. ~the inventor or the t-shirt gun
Daughter text me from upstairs..come here and bring your glasses..that can only mean one thing…we are about to make fun of people on FB…
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.