Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yellowstone visitor upset bears didn’t show (Would like park service to train them):

ME: *telling a joke*
SARA: haha
SARAH: hahah

me: doctor said I have to stay in bed

boss: how long?

me: just a normal bed

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The Chosen Phew

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

I don’t call them exes, I call them whys

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Wife: Our daughter lied to me.

Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?

5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.

Me: *cleaning blood oozing from the walls* the ghost said it will quit haunting our house if you just put your stuff away

Husband: I said I would do it

Me: *being dragged to the basement by an invisible force* JUST PUT IT AWAAAAAAY

Husband: omg, you don’t have to nag

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.

wife: oh cool, the zoo reopened

me: [sitting on couch shirtless in cutoff sweats while drinking beer] why would I want to go look at a some bored dumb animal who sits around all day doing nothing

I just read that pandas don’t have many opportunities for sex, and then don’t know how to do it. Finally found my spirit animal.

What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir

If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.

I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.

None of my Barbies are speaking to each other because Ken got Skipper pregnant again. You can imagine the tension in my house tonight.

A Monday every week is excessive

Big props to the guy who realized we don’t need to mention air in the word airplane and started saying plane.

Shake what your momma gave ya!

*shakes old decorative wreath*

(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.

Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on

I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy

Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?

Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them

Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.

*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?

Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.

ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.

I don’t get marriage