Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: So, what do you look for in a guy?

Her: Someone tall.

Me: I’m over six feet.

Her: Someone who likes to travel.

Me: I’ve been to Japan.

Her: Someone with a steady job.

Me: I’ve been working since 1954.

Her: You’re Godzilla, aren’t you?

Me: What? No… *Eats a train*

angel: you died

me: oh no

angel: but at least you lived a good life

me:

angel: helped others

me:

angel: did all u could

me:

angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I

me: I didn’t wanna interrupt

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches

This is one of the many reasons that I am chubby

I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.

I told my boyfriend to show me pictures of my outfits that I ordered and I for sure was not expecting this…

“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”

Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf

You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..

You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think

“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?

There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.

Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords

Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.

*mops up wine with cat*

customs agent:
Anything to declare?

me:
Yes, I really miss my dog.

My wife always tells me not to take things personally, so I hired a guy to do it for me. He already stole a bike.

I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.

When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.

I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.

How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War

Drugs don’t ruin lives

Drug tests do

I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.

Then we switched.

i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”

Serious question… Would Titanic have been more romantic if they had both died, but holding hands and floating, like otters?

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.

Trampoline: Hold my beer.

[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord

I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…

There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.

Wife: I just wish you would open up and tell me what you’re thinking.

Me: OK, in the $1.50 Costco hotdog combo do you think the hot dog is $1 and the drink is $.50 or both $.75?

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.