Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
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I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
God: okay so manatees, no necks on them, like wet potatoes
Angel: yes sir, and what shall I do with all the excess necks?
God: *smiles and looks over at the giraffe* YOU!
Angel: sir pls, he can’t possibly have al-
God: ALL THE NECKS!
When I go to the movies alone, I take a clipboard so everyone thinks I’m a professional movie reviewer and not an awkward friendless loner.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
“I propose a toast”
“I propose a bagel.”
“Ya bagel, much better.”
*scrawls note on deserted isle*
TRAPPED ON ISLAND! HELP ME!
*sends off in bottle*
*it returns, months later, with reply*
NEW BOTTLE WHO DIS?
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Husband: On top of spaghetti, all covered with cheese.
Me: *heavy breathing* Keep going.
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
This took me a few seconds.. 😅
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I believe it is important to be an organ donor, which is why I am willing to donate my second chin to anyone missing a chin.
I wonder if my bank account thinks about me and has panic attacks.
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
(during sex)
Technically, a comedy starring Mitt Romney could be a RomCom as well.
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*