Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall

Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.

me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now

There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.

Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture

the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors

“and it goes without saying…”

*proceeds to say it*

When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens

Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.

It’s hoodie and chainsaw weather finally

To whoever stole my over sized clock, you owe me big time.

I’ve planned our wedding to fall on the day of the Oasis concert, knowing that some family members, that we don’t want at the wedding, have got tickets. So, they’ll be invited, but they’ll have to decline and they’ll be frowned on, as they’re missing a wedding for Oasis

I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.

We’re having sweet potato fries with dinner

“Haha sweet potatoes?”

DON’T

“Don’t what?”

You’re gonna make a dumb potato pun

“I YAM NOT!”

[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T H

C R E

O D

W

When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”

Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.

And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.

My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.

[Murderer chasing me]

Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET

Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me

Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*

I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working

In the last day I’ve seen people across different nations and ideologies united by hatred of The Big Bang Theory. It’s a beautiful thing.

ME: I want to take long walks with you.

HER: Aww…are you a romantic?

ME: No, I don’t have a car.

if you find a corpse and nobody claims it in three days, well, free corpse

*plot twist*

plot: ouch!!!

Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.

My body is a temple.
My mind is a comedy club.
My apartment is a landfill.
My car is a fast food restaurant.
I could do this all day.

Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off

Co-pilot: what

My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign

I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents

This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.

If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious

Amen