Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Cop: I pulled you over because your driving has been erratic
Me: oh, I think the guy in my trunk was trying to communicate with me via Morse code
Cop: what
Me: what
Accountant: So you didn’t have traditional income most of the year but your investments and holdings still earned you $9,000,000
Papa John:
Accountant: 831,000 pizzas. You’ll owe about $2,800,000 in taxes
Papa John: And that’s…
Accountant: *sighs* 258,000 pizzas
Oh, to be a rat with a pancake
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
Airlines: “here’s the easiest way to get on and off the plane. We do this all day every day.”
Passengers: “wait, I have a another idea!”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
All movies about zombies are Easter movies because of resurrection.
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Make your kid’s next birthday a surprise party by taking them to Walmart.
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
him, on one knee: will you marry me
her: OMG
onlookers: say yes! say yes!!
me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far
boss:
me:
boss:
me: [slowly removing tiara i made out of binder clips]
I have all of the qualities men want in an ex-wife and none of the ones they want in a girlfriend.
Ahhh…….I love the sounds of autumn; that old familiar crunch of Halloween candy wrappers on the floor.
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
I’m here to express deep thanks to the wet tissue I just found in the wash that helpfully crushed itself into a little ball instead of exploding like glitter over the surface of every wet garment
BARTENDER: what can i get you
MOTH: gimme a bug light
Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.