Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
Take your kids to see Santa so they can learn how to sit on a strange man’s lap in return for gifts.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
If you don’t know what stage your relationship is in, I’d recommend not sitting in the front row of a comedy show
(about to write the most famous lullaby of all time) im gonna go tell the baby he’s gonna fall out of a tree
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you think that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out of the cover the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
me as a kidnapper sending my second ransom letter when I haven’t gotten a response yet to my first one: hi all! just following up
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
Plumber: I think I found the problem
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
The speed to which a toddler yells “no” in response to the question “are you ready for bed” is directly proportional to how tired they actually are.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
[Responding to a text I got 4 months ago]:
Yeah sure what time
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
My wife said she wanted to do it missionary style, so I forced her to change religions and gave her smallpox.
#polloftheday
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
Girls on Facebook call it, “The Walk of Shame.”
Girls on Twitter call it, “The Strut of Satisfaction”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.