Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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Just saw a boneless KFC commercial followed by an ad for apple flavored beer. Anyone remember when adults didn’t act like five year olds?
I texted someone “hell yeah,” but autocorrect changed it to “hell year” because even our phones know.
urns are so stupid. when I die, I want my ashes on display in a mini aquarium
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
A Brady Bunch prequel, but it’s a dark Netflix series about what really happened to Mike and Carol’s first spouses.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Fun fact: On national donut day, offer the cop a donut, you won’t get a ticket.
Same with beer.. just not the one you’re drinking..
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
genie: you have three wishes
me: end the pandemic
genie: [snaps fingers] done
me: get me a good job
genie: there’s too many gaps in your work history
me: i wish to own a home
genie: dude come on
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
New to Twitter cheat sheet:
AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
The worst part of working remotely is the lack of structure. No one staring at me and tapping their watch if I take a long lunch. Unlimited bathroom breaks. Humans are not meant to live this way
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
so awkward when the bill for the wall comes out and no one reaches for it
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
her: I don’t usually attend funerals because everyone cries so much
me: *points at coffin* well not everyone