Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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My wife and I decided to have a no phones dinner date and now we can’t look at the menu.
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
Forget hobbies and and interests, dating apps should require people to share their Amazon order histories.
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
[Bumps into old school friend]
Him: Haven’t seen you for years!
Me: I know!
Him: Good to see you man
Me: You too!
Him: We should meet up
Me: Definitely
Him: We won’t though
Me: No way
Him: I’ll never see you again
Me: I wanna run away
Him: See you around
Me: Bye forever!
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Protip: Never ask an accountant “What have I got to lose?”
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger & I realize, Oh my God…I could be eating a slow learner.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
I don’t listen to my voicemails because it’s none of my business what people say to when I’m not there.
GOD: welcome to Heaven I will answer any question you want now.
ME: why does Target have 25 checkout lanes with only 2 always open?
GOD: …
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
It’s a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but i don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
friend: i’m just going to date myself
me: you can do better
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me: Do you want anything from Chipotle?
CW: Yeah….just surprise me.
Me: *comes back with no food*
SURPRISE!
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
A tragic love story in two pictures.
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
