Not sure which is more mortifying, the dog bringing your dirty panties to the repairman or the repairman balling them up and throwing them for her.
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How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Did you know that it takes 0 facial muscles to give you the finger
Old people like to get up at 4am so they can go sit in chairs and fall back asleep
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
DMV LADY: *showing my new license photo* Do you want to retake it?
Me: no I just look like that
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, I’m never sending you nudes again.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
*Bites lower lip*
“So this is an abduction then?”
Cop: “Stop that. You’re under arrest.”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Auto carrots has been really aggressive with the editing lately
I wanna be rich enough to realize that I can’t buy happiness.
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
me: i’d like to go to this place
google maps: u walking? i bet ur walking
me: no i’m driv-
google maps: it’s gonna take u 5 hours hope ur wearing comfy shoes
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
I really don’t believe all of these women on here are actually named “Sassy”
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.