Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.

HER: you could use some exercise
ME: i do pirates on the weekends
HER: pilates?
ME [hiding eye patch]: uh, yeah sure

You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!

Cop lights are so pretty at night

BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add

Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”

Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻

Dressing up for Halloween is just a way of saying “I want to be uncomfortable for an entire evening in the hopes of answering the same question a hundred times.”

I spent a good portion of today sitting in a Snuggie watching Cops. Eventually, they told me to go home and put on pants.

When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings

Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.

I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.

I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”

She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”

Why?

Final Destination ruined two of my favorite things. Rollercoasters and sharing the road with log hauling trucks.

The neighbor woke me up with his lawn mower. I’m going to sit outside and play my recorder all day.

If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?

A Swallow.

If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five

I’m seriously considering adoption who wants me.

[courtroom]

me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ

judge: pardon?

me: omg thank you

FUN FACT:

Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.

I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely

I’ve reached the age where good or bad news from friends produce the same reaction: I should make them a casserole. I have officially become my grandmother.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good

HR: Well?

Me: it was a surprisingly good slingshot

HR:

Me: I didn’t know the eraser would hit him in the eye

HR:

Me: can I have my bra back?

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

my fav thing at work is asking “can i have your name?” to customers. they dont understand, thats mine now. i am damian now. not you. you lost that. you gave it to me.

The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.

The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.

[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.