Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park

Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…

*pretends floor is lava*

*looks around*

*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*

You’d think a philharmonic orchestra would have at least one harmonica, but nope.

SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-

ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES

SE: -on your sandwich?

ME: FIXER PUPPER

Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo

Alfred: right away, Bruce-o

me: the human body is an imperfect vessel
me after watching olympic gymnastics: okay maybe just my body

Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.

Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair

“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”

“Depends. Into what?”

I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.

Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you

If I text you and you immediately call me, that’s entrapment.

A lady was spanking her kid for being a total brat in the grocery store so I had to step in and ask her if she needed me to hold her purse.

People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel

Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant

Let us remember him by his own last words: “Homemade jetpack, don’t fail me now.”

Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more

All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus

I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions

I bought a metal detector.

Beach better have my money.

Me: I had to take your hamster back to the shop

Son: Why

[nervous because I accidentally ran him over with a lawnmower]

Me: He’s a racist

A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story

“Holy shit I’m a cat?”

Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day

I had the most impatient and rudest cashier.

I’m never using self-checkout again.

it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting

Me: Pick that up!
7: Can’t you?
Me: You’re lower to the ground
7: But you’re used to doing things that aren’t fun

How’s your summer going?

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house