Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
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Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.
It’s only Canoodling if it’s with an actual Canadian.
Otherwise it’s just store brand noodling.
Apparently it’s inappropriate to yell out “Shots, shots, shots, shots” while your child’s getting immunizations at the pediatrician’s office.
“I do so like green eggs and ham. Thank you! Thank you, Salmonella-I-am.”
– The breakfast that inspired Dr Seuss
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
*watching my wife’s bra moving up and down on the floor by itself*
ME: Hon, wtf?
HER: push up bra
sorry i left you on read i didn’t mean to open it just yet
My 2022 Resolutions:
1. Don’t die
2. Race a sloth
3. Develop new trust issues
4. Offend more people by being myself
5. Don’t use hashtags
6. Keep tweeting crap like this
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
Me: We’re only here for a short while, so we should love one another and hold each other as much as possible.
Guy in back of elevator: Can you just press 19?
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Our dog came in half-frozen after her walk. I haven’t seen that cat grinning this big since our dog had to wear the cone of shame.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?
Got an email from my kid’s teacher that instead of working on her social studies project, she spent the entire class period making a PowerPoint about goats. Apparently, the appropriate response was not, “oh cool, was it any good?”
3: mommy! Come look, I made a water fall
Me: oh dear god
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Her: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby, it’s cold outside
Her: I’m Canadian, I can handle it
Grandmas be like, “My grandchild murdered someone? Oh, poor baby was probably just overtired.”
Just once I would like to hear an athlete thank God for their talent and their pharmacist for everything God left out.