Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.
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Pilot: we’re gonna crash
Me: *to cute girl next to me* guess I should make these last moments count
Her: yeah?
Me: mhm *starts fast forwarding Shrek*
I’ve been online shopping so much, lately Amazon welcomes me with “You again?”
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
I feel like my relationship with the Walking Dead started so great and we had some good times but now we’re only staying together for the kids.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
When asked if I was good with my hands I said “sure, I guess, but sometimes i’m naughty with them too”
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
Burger King needs a new slogan. Something like “we clean our bathrooms now.”
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Hot tip: Apparently it’s frowned upon to make the sound effect tssst when being blessed by a priest
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER BEFORE METOO:
“You look so pretty.”MEN TALKING TO FEMALE COWORKER AFTER METOO:
“You look so pretty… bUt i GueSs i’M nOt aLLoWeD tO sAy tHaT anYmOrE hAha!”
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
THEM: You are not alone.
ME: How dare you? I worked hard for this.
cats are great if you want a sharp dog that hates you
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair