Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
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I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
Whenever I’m on a flight and a bald person sits next to me, it takes a ton of willpower not to draw on their head when they are sleep.
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
The opposite of self-deprecating humor is accounting.
Instead of making jokes at your own expense, you makes jokes about other people’s expenses.
#AccountingDay #RubbishJokes
My 22 yr old was listening to Baby Shark yesterday and the song is still stuck in my head. So I get it, moms of toddlers, I really doo doo, doo doo doo doo.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Sunday August 25th is Banana Split Day! And where do they make the best banana splits?
Sundae school.
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
recently at a party i overheard someone start a sentence with “i actually remember being born” and i just put down my drink and left
I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store
my 37yo husband: after 40 it’s all downhill
me: *just sitting there all 40*
1 margarita: I tell you I love your hair.
2 margaritas: We take a selfie.
3 margaritas: I convince you that your apartment is haunted.
just stood up and my knee popped so loudly my neighbor’s dog barked in case Marvel or DC is looking for a new superhero franchise
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
me: do you gift wrap
drug dealer: what
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[creation]
GOD: So how do you like the flying?
PENGUIN: Meh it’s no big deal
GOD: Oh is that right
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
What the world needs now is love, sweet love…
And an extinction level asteroid.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.