Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: *mouth full* These instant mashed potatoes your sister sent us are awful

Him: Those are my mom’s ashes!

Me: *adding salt* That makes more sense

boss: why aren’t you getting your work done?

me: [staring at 5 hours of meetings on my calendar today] it’s a hell of a mystery really.

I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..

That is the Aldi’s experience

All my coworkers put tape over the cameras on their laptops but not me. I don’t care if anybody sees me sighing for 8 hours a day.

SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?

DRYER: rot in hell, pig

💀 😭

Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.

He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.

Now, he’s worth $190 billion.

The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.

NEIGHBOR: What’s up?

ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month

NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?

ME: The what now?

The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.

When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.

I’m gonna make a alternate account so I can catfish myself. I know what I like so I may fall for it

I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate

Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem

[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job

It took me 20 minutes and a terribly bruised wrist to realize that this slap bracelet is actually a ruler.

[date]
Clark Kent: I propose a toast
*they take their glasses off the table*
Lois Lane: omg it’s Supertable!

I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter

Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need

Sandi: “I watched a guy do 50 pushups. Could you do that?”

Me: “Hell yes. I’m pretty sure I could watch him do 100.”

8am: eats healthy breakfast
12pm: eats healthy lunch
6pm: eats healthy dinner

11pm: rips open bag of chips with teeth & straps it on like a feedbag

[creating anchovies]

God: How can we ruin pizza?

True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.

I only eat vegetarians.

If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.

At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.

GF: “Can I be frank?”

Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”

doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety

me: whose side are you on?

presenting your incognito window wrapped

My million dollar invention is a microwave that stops beeping when you yell, “I hear you!” from across the house.