Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t

I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.

Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural

Me: this tape is itchy

Drug Dealer: what

Me: what

My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.

My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.

For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”

Save some A’s for the rest of the animal kingdom, aardvarks.

Queen Elizabeth dresses like she’s about to go to prom with Steve Harvey

Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.

I refuse to dismiss Thanksgiving. Any holiday dedicated to food & stretchy pants is worth celebrating.

Being off twitter for so long gave me the time to appreciate what’s really important in life, so I’m back on twitter

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

Smiles from ear to ear.

Wife: what are you smiling about?

Our dog just took a giant dump in our neighbors yard

Wife: God I love that dog.

Oh we’ve met.

DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]

DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?

DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]

“See that guy over there? I have to serve him with papers today.”

-Oh really? Why?

“Because I lost my tennis racquet.”

Revenge is not a dish you dumb fucks.

jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.

People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?

‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’

Interviewer: [looking through file] Are you still disruptive at nap time?

Me: Wow, they weren’t kidding about that permanent record thing.

I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around

Told my teen “I love you” when I dropped her off at school this morning and she replied “Thank you”

So if history has taught me anything, she’s probably leaving me for another mom soon.

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.

“Pasta la veista, baby”

-Arnold Schwarzenoodles

Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*