not sure why everyone acts like it’s so hard to make plans with your friends as an adult because my friend and I just planned our hangout tomorrow in 5 minutes and it only took us 3 months to find a day that works
You Might Also Like
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
HER: Have you sold anything since you became a full-time author?
ME [stares blankly around my empty house] almost everything
“play stupid games, win stupid prizes” bold of you to assume i am winning the stupid games
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
The most useful lesson I learned from my cat is if somebody puts clothing on you, just freeze and flop over on your side.
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
GF: Can I have some almonds?
Me: Sure I’m done with them.
GF: These are good!
Me: They were better when the chocolate was on them.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘sarcasm’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Ooooo I would love to
Most of your problems would disappear if you just turned off your phone. And I know you know that. But not me, bubba. I got jokes to write.
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
What do you mean hide under sturdy furniture during aftershocks, this is NYC, I have a tiny chair
I love triscuits. It’s like eating a basket
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
I just died 😂😂😂😂😂
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Every time I hear a Christmas Carol, I’m picturing Jesus with that look people get when they’re waiting for you to finish singing them ‘Happy Birthday’.
Therapist: do you think your phone is making you a less engaged parent?
Me: yes
Therapist: then maybe-
Me: *looking up from phone* wait no
At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.
Me: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. A big one.
Priest: Murder, my child?
Me: Worse. Pronounced the ‘t’ in often.
Priest: *gasp*
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
Her: You secretly think all of your coworkers are morons, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
I like to sing Mambo No. 5 but replace the names of the women with various types of cheese.