Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
hmm conte-me mais
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
Shoulder Devil: So I say “Go on–do it!” And the moron does it!
Shoulder Angel: What an idiot!
Me: You guys know I can hear you, right?
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Tried a sample of rosemary mint body wash today and now I smell like a very clean roast chicken.
Made the decision that I’m done having kids. Yet every morning I wake up and there they are asking me for breakfast.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
Just blocked everyone who is not in my gang so if you’re reading this, we’re robbing a bank in 12 minutes
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
If you get robot arms don’t get the cheap ones [starts clapping for no reason]
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough
whoever named the grapefruit when there was already a fruit named grape…….incompetent legend. i wish we could hang out
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
