Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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Her: You’ve changed.
Chameleon: Jesus, Karen, not this again.
I just ate a kid’s meal at McDonald’s. His mom tried to stop me but I’m too fast
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
Woman on the tube: How old is your baby?
Mum: She’s two and a half weeks.
Woman: Wow. What’s her name?
Mum: Still deciding.
Little Girl nearby: My name’s Martha (pause) So you can have that for free.
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
A sloth just poked me to see if I was still alive, so don’t talk to me about your Netflix asking you if you’re still watching.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Me: I don’t think I belong
Therapist: Do you think you be short?
I meant to type “I look forward to seeing you soon.” Unfortunately, one of our biggest clients is going to receive an email that ends with “I look forward to seeing you poop.”
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
My husband spent the night away for a sleep study last night.
Husband, “I slept horribly, I just can’t sleep without you next to me. How about you?”
Me, thinking of how I had the most amazing night of sleep in my life, “Same.”
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
[calling my ex]
me: hey so I really hate how I left things with you
her: aww me too babe
me: so… yeah… can I come pick them up?
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Friend: what are your 2018 resolutions?
Me: I didn’t even make 1, let alone 2018 of them
CABLE COMPANY: Someone will be there between 6:30 am and 9:45 pm.
ME: That’s pretty vague.
CC: Oh, sorry. It’ll be a cable TV installer.
speaking in tongues is a great way to quickly end a bad first date
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest