Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
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chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
At least once a day my daughter does something I can’t comprehend, and I stare at her like a caveman who just stumbled across a fighter jet.
It’s subtle, but if a snail has the zoomies, listen close for a soft little wheeeeeeee!
Coworker: How are you doing this morning?
Me: *finishing hanging bag of coffee upside down like an IV and tying my arm off* Fine, you?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
There are 2 kinds of twitter.
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me: i wish for good health, to be rich, and finally….for your freedom
therapist: once again i am not a genie but you being here is starting to make more sense
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
me: hi i’d like to exchange my current brain for a new one
customer service: ma’am you’re calling amazon
me: listen alexa i am a PRIME member
Shout out to my buddy who wears a Toronto Blue Jays hat bc he’s “not so much a fan of THE Blue Jays as much as blue jays in general”
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty