Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

… then, I hit the salesperson with “do you know who my father is?”, their attitude changed after that

Your make-up application says “I failed Clown College”.

Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.

The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.

“Gotta wake up early”

*sets alarm for 5am*

*wakes up at 4:55am to cancel alarm*

*goes back to sleep*

My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson

I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.

Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.

[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.

“Hi. Remember me?”
“Uh… yeah.”
“Remember we talked about you leaving the birdseed on the ground?”
“Uh…”
“Because I remember.”
“It’s cool. We’re cool. I can fix it right now.”
“I wouldn’t want to have to remind you again. That might be bad for you.”

ME: alas why must i suffer the cabbages of time

HER: you mean ‘ravages’?

ME: *eating expired coleslaw* you heard me

Based on my calculations, if I do one load of laundry per day, I’ll finally catch up the week after we join the nudist colony.

If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.

Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.

Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”

Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars

i will email myself something and then immediately stress once i hear the email notification bc i already forgot :/

[1st date]
ME: We should totally go Dutch.
HIM: I wasn’t raised that way.
ME: *sadly looking at my wooden shoes* Okay.

Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.

Me: And her parents are OK with this?

A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register

Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?

Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.

Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!

Me:

Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?

Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?

Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?

Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!

“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”

Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help

“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”

[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords

Given my love of animals and hatred of housework, I predict my cause of death will be choking on a fur ball.

Imagine if the scientists who made Covid combined m-pox with disease x and made X-Pox. The variants could be X-Pox 360, X-Pox One, and X-Pox Series X/S

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊