Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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For several weeks my preschooler has begged to go to a farm to pick her own fruits and veggies. Last Sunday we planned a special day and made the hour drive to learn that what she really wanted was to wear overalls.
Marie Kondo Vs. Hoarders
“Do these 370 cats bring you joy?”
“Yes. Get out!”
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
The original Alien is the best because of the smoking. No futuristic nicotine delivery. Just blasting cigs around all that sensitive space equipment. That’s the direction technology advanced: to allow cigarettes in spacecrafts.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
riddler: check out aquaman’s new tweet: “on my way to destroy the legion of doom with fam”
lex luthor: you follow aquaman? LOL
others: LOL
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
[Meeting]
CEO: as u can see [points to graph w laser] we-
BUSINESS CAT:[comes flying across table & just crashes right into a photocopier]
Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!
Me: that’ll all stop once you show up
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent. I would have to say it’s the kids.
“I refuse to visit shops that gender children’s beds”
“Like a boycott?”
“Don’t you start”
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
Every time I cross the border into Canada they search my car with a fine tooth comb.
Maybe I should take off the “Honk if you love the Taliban” bumper sticker.
The inventor of perforated paper has died.
RIP
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
the passive aggression of Snapchat asking “do you want to abandon your snapsterpiece?” and forcing you to click “abandon” like sorry I’m not carrying this picture of my bagel to term, I had a moment of clarity and remembered literally no one needs to see this
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]