Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
CRAIGSLIST AD: Wanted – chicken nugget shaped like Rafael. Have 2 Leonardo’s, willing to trade. Serious offers only. No Michaelangelo’s.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
*returns shopping cart*
“When I’m in Heaven I wonder if God will seat me to His right or His left?”
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
Talk to me like you’re trying to steal my credit card number, baby
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
FRED: right
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
At the grocery store but forgot my wife’s list so I guess I’ll just follow this other guy around and get what he gets.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
Loving would be easy
if your colours were like my dre
My HOA says no parking on the street, so I flex on them by parallel parking at the end of my driveway.
I heard many of these stories growing up…. 😂😂😂
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Pray Elon Musk doesn’t have a scandal.
Elongate would drag on forever.
When I die I want to come back as a ghost to haunt my adult children’s houses, just passive-aggressively turning off lights they’ve left on and pointedly moving their shoes to the shoe cabinet, just heavily sighing the whole time
A boogaloo is just a haunted igloo.