Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
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I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND FIND YOU and cuddle you softly.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
90% of your body is water. 6% is delusion. 4% is lies.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Banning us to the couch is not as bad as you believe it is ladies. It makes us feel manly. Like we’re camping. With an angry bear close by.
WIFE: please come out of there so we can talk
ME: [from cardboard box] i’m sorry come out of where?
WIFE: [sigh] please exit the spacecraft
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
My kid put a bright flashlight up to his eye so naturally my response was to say, “Hey, I worked too hard to make that eye just for you to ruin it.”
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I went from rags to one rag.
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
4-year-old: You ate candy bars without me!
Me: No I didn’t. I just bought empty wrappers
4:
Me:
4: Next time buy ones with candy in them
[rap battle]
[my opponent attempts to drop the mic, but I stealthily tied it to his finger so it just comes back up like a yo-yo]
My real name is maybe one of the top 5 whitest names ever invented and I just picked up my online order at a KFC that is deep in the hood where I’m maybe the only white guy within a mile and as soon as I went in they said “Here he is. Thats (my name)” and I lol’d.
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Sugar-free anything tastes like it’s based on a true story.
Whiskey, tango, french fry…?
Yeah, I think that’s right.
Me: I lost my virginity to Barry White.
Her: Really? What song?
Me: Song?
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
Nothing like that magical moment when you find your 7yo playing quietly in his room, ‘cause he just brought in real bugs to feed his imaginary lizard.
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts