Not sure why me wife is only mad at me. My 4 year old forgot her birthday too.
You Might Also Like
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
Me: *buying one beer, one carrot, one potatoe & one steak*
Cashier: you must be single?
Me: yes, lol. How did you know?
Cashier: you’re ugly.
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
How much room do fungi need to grow?
As mushroom as possible.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
Hello Darkness, my old frie- *the lights suddenly turn on* oh it’s like that now?
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I can’t stress this enough, I will never have a need to use a hotel’s complimentary gym when I’m on vacation.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
When I have sex with someone I high Five them.
*slaps hands together.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
“”What if – and this sounds crazy – what if we based the look on this drawing my 3 year old made?” – Design team for Kia Soul
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
So I just found some ham in my purse. How thoughtful of drunk me.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why did pirates always get just one eye poked out?
POLICE OFFICER: Your name?
MAN: The Rock.
POLICE OFFICER: Your FULL name?
MAN: [quietly] Theodore Rockinghorse.
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers