Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
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Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
[being murdered at Best Buy]
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: *being murdered*
Employee: would you guys like to buy an extended warranty
listen, i know shrek isn’t REAL, i was simply asking if it was based on a true story,
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Need to know if you’ve been the victim of identity theft? Give me your social security number and I’ll check for you
Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
My goal weight: To not look like a “before” picture.
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
This poison ivy bread is not from a mix it was made from scratch.
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
*at family function..
*superglues jenga tower
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?