Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.
On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?
You Might Also Like
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
I’m ‘confuses systems of measurement’ centimetres old.
#merica
At this point I’m waiting for my student loans to ask me if I want to add 10%, 15% or 20% gratuity to my bill.
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave
me: oui chef
My son just complained about how far the guy in his video game has to walk.
We take our lazy seriously around here.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
I just panic bought 7 gallons of wolf urine and I’m not even sorry.
I was so stupid whenever I was young. I’m much older now though
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Me: Would you bring me the mattress cover off your bed?
Son: *looks puzzled* The what?
Me: The mattress cover. The quilted looking sheet.
Son:
Me: The final boss sheet at the bottom.
Son: Oh that.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Wouldn’t it have made more sense if Al Gore claimed he invented the Algorithm?
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word ‘unemployment’.
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
Well, this certainly took a turn
INVENTOR: it’s a machine that washes dishes
BOSS: what should we call it
GUY WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE: i have an idea
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.