Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
Cop: License?
Me: Here.
Cop: Sir this is a notecard with “Liscence” on it. And above that you wrote and crossed out “Lysense” and “Lisance.”
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
My neighbors had a party and didn’t invite us. I know, I know. Their thank you card is already in the mailbox.
MISSING CAT❗️
-Answers to the name “Chancellor Parsons” which is really aggravating because we named him Mittens.
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
The opposite of itty bitty is bigly wiggly
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
My 4-year-old just monologued at me for 25 minutes, paused, and then said “Can I tell you something?”
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
the first episode of house of the dragon focusses on the dragon applying for a mortgage
my gf: this guy is hitting on me, teach him a lesson
me: ok [to guy] tomatoes are technically fruits
*Jesus announces he is God’s son*
Questions?
*everyone raises hand*
No I can’t fly
*most hands drop*
Or throw lightning
*rest of hands drop*
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
My daughter showed me a beautiful handmade wind chime project on Pinterest. I told her, “I don’t know who you think I am right now.”
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?