Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
I never remember names, so name dropping is basically useless around me.
Got all naked, baby oiled myself up, and jumped on his desk.
Slid into the wall so hard I’m suction-cupped
My New Year’s resolutions:
1. Stop making lists.
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.
I dated a computer hacker last year. He made me promise that I wouldn’t share this information because he said that hackers don’t want people to know this… but if you turn the brightness on your monitor down & browse the internet, then you are technically surfing the dark web.
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
I have a head cold but I’m telling everyone it’s covid so they’ll social distance away from me.
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
gorilla glue and jurassic park are trending, this might be how godzilla vs kong starts
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
doctor: push through the pain, I can see the head, you can do it!
me: [struggling to pull on my turtleneck sweater] I can taste air
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
Opened the bathroom cupboard and a bunch of feminine hygiene products fell out on me.
It was a tampede.
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good