Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”

“Paper beats rock, Charles!”

When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:

“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”

I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.

PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?

ME: Well, now you made it weird.

God I hate these crossword puzzles

Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?

*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?

Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.

A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.

dog: i have to pee

me: for real?

dog: yeah i gotta go

me: alright *lets dog out*

dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*

me: *lets dog back in*

[5 minutes later]

dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this

me: you have to pee

dog: i have to pee lol

I don’t have a swimmer’s body. I have more of a drowning to death body. #Olympics

“I’d love to go to the moon” I said “but on a full moon day of course, no point going all that way when only half of it’s there”

The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.

A banana just sold at an art auction for $6.2 million, so if our custodian still hasn’t thrown out that orange someone left in one of our study rooms last week, we may never have to do a capital campaign again.

My swear jar has cards in it you take out and scream whatever’s written on them.

*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…

I’m vegan now but I’m still gonna eat eight spiders a year on cheat days

Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one

I get it laundry no one is doing me either

Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.

If you were a burger, I’d throw you in the trash.

When I die I want to be cremated and my ashes spread all over my bedroom…so my wife can clean up after me one more time.

roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]

How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?

Please say 12 years

Sliding a piece of paper over to the bank teller that says, “I have no money.”

I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.

“HOW” – dyslexic owl

me: my daughter wants to be a princess, and my son wants to be a bank robber

coworker: what adorable costumes!

me: costumes?

Left
Right
Left
Left-er
Quick right
Squeee!
Left
Up
Down
Left
Right
Squeee!
Right
Up

– squirrels