Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
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[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
A thousand Milwaukees is a Bilwaukee.
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a case of Girl Scout Cookies.
Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
“Keep pouring, Ann. You’re not gonna BELIEVE what your dog did today.”
Nearly having a panic attack when you hear “tickets, please!” as you sit in the correct seat holding your fully valid train ticket.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
Cerebral exploration with this Q tip.
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
He’s cranky this morning
Well, well, well…
If it isn’t the lesson I should’ve learned by now.
I’d like to make a formal apology to whomever had to clean the Shake Shack restroom at HWY 35 and Pirate Cove Lane after my visit.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
I just binge watched the first five episodes of Unscrupulent last night and it’s easily the best show I’ve ever made up in my mind.
“girls just want to have fun” no. i want one million dollars cash
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
[kneeling down to watch a worm disappear into a little worm hole in the dirt] godspeed brave little time traveler
Reading about how much Daniel Craig hates Bond is like The Pope Visiting Kim Davis all over again.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water