Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
You Might Also Like
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
8 year old: we’re learning about ancient Rome at school
me: awesome! I’ve actually been to the Colosseum
8 year old: did you watch the people fighting?
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
This is like the worst pick up line I’ve ever heard in my life. Come on now guys do better. do better.
😩🤭😂🤣😂🤦🏼♀️
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
Is there anything better than a hug or taking a tinkle after a 9 hour car ride?
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
whatever you do don’t give your heart away for christmas, this one dude never got his back and won’t shut up about it
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
Every single new fish they find is gross. Why are we still looking for more? ALL THE GOOD FISH LIVE NEAR THE TOP. Give it up, idiots.
I thought they were just making up names, so imagine my surprise when I googled and
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
My tiny body fills up with emotions faster than normal sized people so really it makes sense when I overreact to everything
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.
My daughter said to a school bully “my dad will give you a fist sandwich with all the trimmings!
Now I’ve gotta defend her honour and beat the shit out of a 8 year old!
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
Thank you for the lovely invitation card, I will be using it to remove spiders from my house for the foreseeable future.
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
Women’s time is different. My brother and I are still waiting for my mom to come out of the grocery store when she said it would be 30 minutes. That was 1986
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?