Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
My wife told me some guy at the bar was buying her drinks all night to get me jealous.
We’ll it worked. I wish he was buying me drinks.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
My boss: Two hours is enough time to get lunch catered for a meeting, right?
Me: *screams internally* I will make it happen.
I have 2 speeds- the slow southern girl sashay and the is that the ice cream truck outside?
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*ties a little bow around insect’s head, presents lovely gift to Canadian entomologist*
Pretty fly for a white guy.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
pov you are seriously underestimating how big whales are
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
😏😏😏
me: I want a tattoo
tattoo artist: where?
me: how about over there on that chair
tattoo artist: no, where on your body?
me: on my skin, dude
tattoo artist: this is not funny
Me: *explains idea*
Boss: That’s the dumbest idea ever
Me:*clears throat*
*repeats exact same idea in a British accent*
Boss: Brilliant!
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
{during sex}
him: i’m sorry, did you just say “faster, papa smurf”
I have been revising my financial goals for 2023, and I think I am going to start saving up to buy a boat. A gravy boat