Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
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If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Start yelling “DON’T FORGET!” when saying goodbye to people so that they panic about what they’re supposed to be remembering
(sheepishly putting my arm around pitbull) so is there a mrs worldwide
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
Pre-surgery instructions: Do not wear makeup the day of surgery.
Surgeon: But I want to look pretty.
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
The corona virus should mutate into something nice for a change
[being choked to death]
Me: harder
Murderer: wait, what?
Me: again pls
Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
[In Court]
Does the Defense have any last words?
*defense rises* DE-FENSE
*Judge holds up picket fence*
DE-FENSE
*Jury starts The Wave*
Yes, your honor, he was running from me in a threatening manner. I was in fear of my life.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
i am such a dungeons & dragons guy in theory. but i just don’t have the attention span to make it work. if you invite me, i am gonna show up super excited, name my elf some shit like Hyundai Elantra, and then you’ll never hear from me again
Is hitting yourself in the face when you open your car door considered “hot”? Say yes.
Me: School starts in a few days.
7-year-old: Not if you can’t find me.
Me: “I’m having a great hair day.”
Wind: “No you’re not.”
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.