Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.

Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.

we’re dead?

CDC: your mask should cover your nose and mouth

Picasso: how

Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.

Her: You’re so possessive.

Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.

My teenage children choosing violence

I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me

This is bullshit

Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one

Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today

Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?

boss: stop saying “see you soon” to every customer.

me: i’m confused do we want repeat business or not?

boss: yes of course but this is-

me: a friendly salutation to keep’em coming back?

boss: -a funeral home.

Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.

When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was

Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.

My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.

It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.

I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.

I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.

Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me

I ran 5 miles this morning. That bee was huge!

[first day as a server]

guy: “can i order something off-menu?”

me: “well, that is how menus work sir”

In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder

The secret society of the bean keepers is called the leguminati.

If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.

[i walk into the Popes room as he’s napping] hey can i – stop screaming, ur gonna have a heart attack- can i borrow your hat for a snapchat?