Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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My husband says how much he loves my cooking by having poison control on speed dial.
Season 1: Pride
Season 2: Prejudice
Season 3a: Pride and
Season 3b: [cancelled]
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
I really had high hopes for this year though
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
Hundreds, nay thousands of movies about falling in love but only one movie about a beach that makes you old
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
My counselor told me that conquering my fears would end my depression, so here I am, depressed, but at the top of a mountain
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
I want my car horn changed so that every time I press it, it just yells “SERIOUSLY?!”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
If there’s power banjo and a mandolin in the song, you get to drive five miles over the speed limit in business areas.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here