Not sure why some white people use black slang when they have phrases like, “newsflash pal”
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Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
If you know karate you shouldn’t have to pay for stuff.
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
you’re supposed to save up 3 months salary to buy an airport sandwich
you’re suing Gatorade because you mixed red and yellow and it didn’t taste like orange?
me: not even a little bit your honor
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
The USB port on this cat doesn’t work.
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care of most
batman [clenching fist]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
young sherlock holmes: that large clocktower is named big ben. therefore, when you ask “where is little ben,” you are referring to your watch — a miniature clock. a trick question, but one i will indulge. your wrist, madam
distraught mother: you were supposed to be watching him
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Me:I gotta go home. Im bleeding & my computers broken
Boss:looks like u just slammed ur head thru the computer screen
Me:what is this CSI?
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Stop
Morpheus: ok this guy is definitely “the one”
Trinity: but why though
Morpheus: you’re gonna kick yourself lol but just re-arrange the letters in “Neo”
my goal weight is my current weight + 1.5lbs of steamed crab legs
My one weakness is definitely chocolate. And cake, also cake. Oh, coffee. Wait bread too. There’s also cheese.
My one weakness is indecision.
[if you can make a girl laugh you can make her do anything]
*makes a girl laugh*
me: can you do my taxes
yogurts should come in a five pack not four pack or make the work week four days
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?
I should probably just learn a skill instead of waiting around for a malevolent spirit to take over my consciousness or whatever.
you will never know the true number of layers
I just saw a guy put deodorant on before walking into an adult bookstore.
I kinda want to date him now.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
[first date]
HER: if you had to give up one of your senses which one would you choose?
ME: definitely my ability to see dead people.
HER: