Not sure why someone would throw this gum in the urinal. It’s not even hard yet
You Might Also Like
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I wasn’t invited to the #MetGala this year so I’m making my own at home
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
BRO LMFAO
[buying condoms]
assistant: would you like a bag?
me: are they cheaper?
Whenever I’m in doubt, I ask myself “What would Jesus do?” then I remember Jesus got crucified, his decision making skills weren’t brilliant
Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.
Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.
My 12 yo has this bizarre illness where he suddenly needs to spend 20 minutes pooping every time we start doing the dishes.
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
[first day as a waiter]
Customer: We’ve been waiting forever.
Me: ME TOO.
In a few hours, after I become a billionaire, I’m changing all the contact names in my phone to peasant.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
[date]
HER: Any hobbies?
ME: I collect old comics
HER: Oh! Like 1st editions?
ME: [flashback to Billy Crystal tied up in basement] Sure
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
Me: Let me stay over. I’ll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16